Keep On Trucking.

Well here were are... I'm still trucking.. ! Last night I went out and got white girl wasted (which was probably because I hadn't eaten much during the day... duh... cuz I'm on a diet) and I've been home all day trying to recover. Today is the first day I haven't gone on walks with Jakers and today I'm REALLY not into my diet. *sigh* I guess today has been the hardest because I don't feel all that super.. so my motivation is at all time low. I haven't been totally adherent to my diet today, but I am practicing portion control and making healthy food decisions. I'm taking the day off from Sensa too because it seems like I should take a break from it every now and then just to give my body some REAL detox time. 

I'm going through a few super hard things personally and this is making me want to emo eat like a mofo, but I'm trying to fight the urges. I feel so f-in slugging because I haven't been on my walk, but seriously.. I'm dizzy every time I get off the couch so Jakers and I are having a Breaking Bad marathon. I'm really trying to not scarf down everything I see because on the inside I'm crying harder than usual.. but it's hard.. it's REALLY fucking hard.You know problems with weight and food... are so much deeper than just what you're putting in your body.. they all stem from somewhere deeper, and all that pain takes a toll on you. Once upon a time I used to have a healthy drug habit... which... coincidentally kept me thin. The... I got clean and have been for a number of years, and so over the past year or so the weight has just been piling on. All those years I spent doing drugs and hiding from emotional pain.. stuffing it way down deep inside... NOW I not only have to deal with the emo pain... I have to feel it and embrace and try not to eat because of it. Now I understand WHY drugs are bad...you spend years hiding from something and then have to deal with the ramifications of your actions later, and let me tell you.. LATER it hurts more than it did to start with. *sigh* Sobriety + Diet really blows right now. Oh well.. at least it's always 420 somewhere... and tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow we'll get back into exercising.. maybe fly to the moon go to the beach...definitely take Jakers for some walks.. possibly do some yoga. I have a brand new yoga mat I purchased forever ago and its never been used.... so I guess tomorrow would be as good of a day as any to start.

Day 3

Alright... It's Day 3 here... and... I'm still in the game, and what a hard game it is. I'm super cranky, really hungry, and just want to smoke a bowl, throw in the towel and go to the Olive Garden. I'm trying to stay with it though because if I F it up.. then it's back to square one, and I DO NOT want to be trapped in this shell for the rest of my life. 

My walks with Jake have been going pretty good, I'm enjoying them which is making me WANT to get off the couch.  Here's a picture of Jakers so you see my inspiration... 

Alright.. Well I'll give you more of an update laters.. !

Day 2

 

Alright... Well it's Day 2 & I'm still in the Game. Yeaaaa Boiii..! Of course.. I generally make it through Day 2 all the way to Day 4 or 5, and THEN I throw it all away to stuff myself with some good ass chinese food. There's this chinese place here in tha 'Ville and we avoided going there like the plague for a year after we moved here because it's in an old Burger King and named David's... (I know right... kinda strange..) but one day we took a chance and went there, and OMFG - Brevard County Chinese will never be the same. First of all they don't have a buffet so you KNOW it's good. Everything is made fresh to order and you never have to wait more than ten minutes.. The sushi is.... 

Okay, Okay.. I'm digressing. I'm trying to sit here and focus on the weight loss... but all I can think about is David's. I'm FUCKING REALLY hungry. Alright.. So I pretty much stayed on the plan for Day 1. I kept my calories at about 1600 and my sleep eating was minimal. Yes, I did sleep eat... I ate a half bag of veggie stix, one chocolate covered marshmallow, and three bites of banana cream pie. *sigh* I know.. not perfect.. but I'm still in the game and thats what matters, right... right.. ?

Alright.. So I'm going to change my pj's and walk the dog... that seems to get me going in a right direction. I have fresh Creme Brulee coffee in the french press and I have to start thinking about breakfast... Oh.. the horror. I'm not a super breakfast type of person.. I much prefer to eat lasagna than breakfast food. So.. I'm going to have to figure that one out. I'm planning a weigh in on on Sunday, just to check but I'm pretty certain I will not have lost any weight by then.. One can hope tho. 

Also... I will be adding more pictures of my progress later.. My f-in camera's battery charger is lost... *sigh*

Onward...  

Arrrrrg. Weightcapades.

 

Alright.. well in my battle to lose some weight... Food is winning. *sigh* I've had about 20 Day 1's by now. I'm super 420 friendly and live my life with the munchies almost 24/7, haha. Also.. I <3 to cook.. like a mofo really. I went to culinary school because I'm so passionate about it. So here I am.. I finally weighed myself.. (160 lbs) and I'm so just over it. My problem is that I need a distraction because I definitely stress eat + emo eat.. and oh yea, I also sleep eat. Sleep eat you say... ? Yes.. Back in the day when I used to be on a healthy dose of Ambien one of the side effects was sleep eating. After I stopped taking Ambien.. the habit never went away... I know you're probably sitting there laughing to yourself and imagining some pretty funny sleep eating scenarios. Chances are.. they have already happened to me. I have slept ate so much that @ least 20 of the 40 lbs of weight I need to lose are probably because of sleep eating. Recently I have tried to make sure when I go t sleep there is nothing around me that I can get into.. I can't tell you how many times a full bag of croutons has disappeared overnight. Even so.. removing things from my reach doesn't always solve the problem. I'll get out of bed and head into the kitchen with my eyes half open and not conscious of anything. One time my room mates saw me perfectly cut, peel, and slice a kiwi @ 4:30 in the morning with my eyes little slits in my head. They said I executed everything perfectly except I didn't use a cutting board and left all the kiwi debris sitting on the counter. *sigh* Yea.. so there it is.. those are the combination of factors that keep coming up... Plus there are a shit ton of other reasons I'm not getting off the couch, but when you get right down to it.. they are just that.. excuses though. 

When I'm not dealing with those factors I have your standard extreme depression, loneliness, grief, anxiety, and lethargy keeping me company. I'm trying to overcome it all because I want to be that person who is walking their dog, maybe half way smiling to themselves as they listen to their MP3 player, and not be huffing and puffing all the way down the street. 

So.. here we at Day 1 again.. I'm breaking out the Sensa, went to the produce stand, prepped some healthy snacks, and thats about as much effort as I can throw at it today.  

****UPDATE****

1. I got up off the couch and took my dog for a walk around the block (& I hope to repeat this process later)
2. So far so good on Day 1, keeping to my diet, using Sensa, snacking on healthy stuff instead of whatever, and trying to use portion control. This is hard.. but I know if I keep it up.. 1 day will turn into 60 and I'll be so much lighter and happier. 

I WILL fit into those jeans again.
I WILL start feeling better about myself.
I WILL start becoming more connected to my environment.
I WILL GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH.